April 1984: The Age of Xerographic Eats

Vipavlenkoff                                                                                                         

Don’t look now, but everybody’s got biscuits. That’s restaurant reality, folks. Wow: the down to earth, fresh-baked touch of home-sweet-home cooking. Just the other day, a mind-boggling revelation: McDonald’s is cranking out biscuits—making them from scratch. Believe it. What took them so long? Will the biscuit replace McD’s English muffin (which—face it—should have been included in the arsenal the British took to The Falklands)? Stay tuned. At least we suffer no more burnt toast dented with chunks of cold butter.

How about chicken? Where the hell are all of the chickens coming from? The population of chickens in the United States is greater than that of all the pigeons in public squares and plazas all over the world.

The latest chicken shot? Mexican. But I bet you knew that already. Everything’s chicken these days. With Mexican chicken, every morsel—from wings to thighs—is dipped in a spicy sauce and served with side dishes that would mystify Pancho Villa. Soon to come, no doubt, are Mexican burger-biscuit tacos—the ultimate hybrid—stuffed with ground meat, tomato, shredded cheese and lettuce, a special sauce, guacamole and the whole (you’ll excuse the expression) enchilada dipped in sour cream. The fat taco. I’ve even got a name for it: Big Mex.

More? You bet. The new breed of pizza parlor comes outfitted with cuddly computer-generated bigger-than-life animals guaranteed to take the minds of customers off the main course: a pizza that tastes only slightly better than the box it came in.

You do know what’s wrong with all of this, don’t you? At best it’s bandwagon foodservice.  At worst? Well, we’ll get to that shortly.

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It’s getting out of hand. One chain does one thing well, so every other chain cribs the concept. Copycat food: welcome to the wonderful Age of Xerographic Eats. Where’s the distinction; where’s the urge to be different? It’s a lot like what’s going on in television now and will go on forever more. For example: one network produces a series about good ol’ boys driving indestructible automobiles that log more miles than United. Result? The rest of the networks follow with their versions. A network launches a supercilious piece of garbage about How A Family Copes, so the competition mount their equally supercilious versions of the theme. A quiz show on NBC? CBS and ABC are sure to follow.

Problem? None of this is real. It’s super-con. Nobody likes it a bit. Nobody likes it in Television Land. Nobody likes it in Fastfood Land.

How to survive? What’s the real trend? Friends tell me it’s back to basics. Now, even though I’m not completely certain what “back to basics” means, I’ve got some idea; and I can report that in talking with some of my friends (chefs, owners, restaurateurs) all over the country, not one among them denies that what customers demand today (in this brave new age of economic stability) is credibility, reliability, and honesty. Operators who have been around for a while tell me that’s the way it used to be years ago: everything was simpler—far more basic—than it is today.

So be it: back to basics.

You do things well, I’m told. You are original. You don’t do something just because your competition does something and succeeds at it. Aside to McDonald’s: you don’t need biscuits.

You strip the product of its silliness, its artificiality, its phoniness, its mimicry. The examples are legend:

►Get rid of your sauces that do nothing to improve the product; or, worse, mask tastes.

►Dump garnishes that confuse and compete rather than complement.

►Delete the wines on your wine list that have nothing in common with your menu. Delete the wines you’re laying down and have no intention of ever pouring, unless you’re showing off, in which case, you might as well add two or three ridiculous courses to your menu you have no intention of ever cooking or serving.

►Fire your rude and fawning waiters (often one in the same). You know who they are. 

Menu babblings sap appetites,
frustrate choices.

►Rewrite those menu babblings dripping with inane superlatives and inaccurate descriptions. Nobody understands what you’re saying (right). They take away appetites. They could also get you in trouble. Ever hear of Truth in Menu? Of course you have.

►No more dishonest design and decor. Things like paintings on black velvet, crossed swords of polyurethane, flocked anything, downlights, wood that’s not, plants that aren’t.

►Don’t over prepare.

Create a product that’s believable; that’s exclusively yours. No more culinary con. Meat and potatoes coming to McDonald’s? Croissants at Burger King? How about Perrier everywhere?  Well, not yet, but one of these days count on it. Many restaurants pour bottled water because it adds class to the service; also, because in some cities the stuff spewing from the spigot is unfit to drink, but a chemical away from being classified a toxic waste.

The consumer has suffered through years of a debilitating recession. She has learned a lot. She has learned the value of a buck, clung dearly to it, and today spends it only on goods that have “quality guaranteed or your money back” written all over them. Now that the purse strings are looser than ever, she has renewed her love affair with all sorts of capital goods and services. But she has not forgotten the lessons she learned the past few years when she dined with you. Give her quality, give her originality, she’ll buy it. And come back. Give her clone-food . . and . . she’ll . . .well, she’ll switch channels.

No more biscuits.

Menu babblings: Chubykin Arkady