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| iQoncept |
Maybe you’ve seen it? That list of safety tips and regulations hotels place in your room? “Do this, do that; don’t do this or that; check this, close that, place stuff here; don’t place stuff there; watch; observe, report.” Each tip a warning: restrictive and threatening. All indemnify the hotel against guest naughtiness and indiscretions, thoughtless or deliberate—just like the Ten Commandments, when observed (or if observed) shield our souls against sin. Or, so we’ve been told.
My take? There ought to be more of this stuff in hotels and every other place where consumers no longer are guests, but potential litigants. And yet . . . and yet: however acceptable and necessary these strictures, warnings and cautions may be, it saddens me to have to ask: is it beyond the realm of sensible thought and responsible behavior to presume that all of us past the age of puberty should know what we’re doing when we find ourselves in situations and places familiar and recognizable?
Enough already. Here are warning labels, precautions and clarifications. We’ll start with restaurants.
Warning Labels, Precautions and Clarifications for Restaurants
►This is a napkin. Tuck it under your chin or place it on your lap. It will catch and, in most instances, contain whatever you spill there. If you decide not to use a napkin and, somehow, you soil you clothes, please tell us. We have an ample supply of club soda set aside for just such emergencies. Also, nearby is an excellent dry cleaner.
►Handle menus carefully. We have bandages for customers who suffer paper cuts.
►Everything we serve is deliciously lukewarm. If your food or beverage is neither hot enough nor cold enough for you, please visit our ice machine and/or microwave stations. Before using either, please sign one of our disclaimers absolving us from frostbite or radiation. They are available from your waiter. Exceptions: coffee is hot, water cold. But you knew that. Right?
►We subject all of our prepared food to photofluorography. It tells us instantly if the dish you’ll be eating contains pathogens or something else it shouldn’t, like, for instance, a hank of hair.
►We measure and weigh our portions carefully before your order is cooked and plated. If it appears someone else has a larger portion of the same dish you ordered, please bring it the attention of your waiter and we will make amends promptly by either adding something to your dish or taking away something from his.
►With every course your waiter will supply you with a list of its ingredients. If you notice there are ingredients that shouldn’t be there or that you are allergic to, please let us know and we will do our best to remove them after consulting with our chef: after all, it is his recipe. By the same token, if you think there are ingredients that should be there but aren’t (allergies be damned), please let us know and we will add them after consulting with our chef: after all, it is her recipe. A word to the wise: if, indeed, you do suffer from allergies, please let us know of them at the time you place your order.
►We identify menu items high in cholesterol with the symbol of a bleeding heart. The bursting blood vessel symbol identifies items high in sodium. Neither is a warning. Each merely is something thoughtful we wanted to do for you.
►We no longer serve alcohol.
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| Gustavo Fazao |
►Our executive chef is a lawyer; our maître d’, a doctor. Our waiters are dietitians. Need we say more? We are prepared for every contingency.
►Salt is white; pepper, black. If you have any questions about their use please consult our menu lexicon. A copy is available at the hostess stand. It lists everything you’ve ever wanted to know about foods indigenous to our planet and beyond (i.e., Tang on the moon).
►We provide a 12-inch thread of dental floss free of charge. Toothpaste and toothbrushes are available from vending machines in the restrooms.
►This is an after-dinner mint. No charge. Please remove its wrapper before you eat it.
►The doggie bag used to be a good idea. Not anymore. We don’t provide them, so don’t ask. Food in transit breaks down and could cause food poisoning when consumed later.
Warning Labels, Precautions, and Clarifications for Hotels
►Please! One person only into each compartment of our revolving door.
►In the top drawer of your dresser, you will find a Bible. The Gideons—a religious sect—hath put it there. If it offendeth thee, giveth tongue to the front desk and we shall removeth it from thy chamber.
►Do not kill or maim while you are with us. Do not steal from us or a guest. Do not covet your neighbor’s room or anything that may be in there such as personal effects or a spouse.
►Do not do anything blatantly illicit here or when you are in your room. Affairs are your business. We turn the other cheek. When you checked in and asked for an extra key, we did not ask why. A list of perversions outlawed in this state and the penalties incurred if performed is available in a plain brown wrapper from our front desk, no questions asked.
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| Photographee eu |
►The bed is not a trampoline. It is for horizontal activity and assorted dalliances not otherwise forbidden by the sodomy laws of this state.
►The bottles of shampoo, lotion, and conditioner in the bathroom look like the teeny bottles of liquor in the in-room mini bar. Do not confuse the two. We ask you to be ever vigilant: when you unscrew the cap on a bottle, know what’s inside and what to do with it.
►The bathroom is a very dangerous place. Use caution before entering and especially while within. Rules for appropriate bathroom use, etiquette and/or behavior are posted above the sink, tub, and commode. As a courtesy to others sharing your room, please remember to lift the seat. That’s not one of our rules; it’s just something nice we think you ought to do.
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