November 1991: Everything New at the Lincoln Park Zoo by Dr. Se*ss

Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, died Sept. 21, 1991. He was 87. With cats in hats, Grinches stealing Christmas, and elephants hatching eggs that turned green when rehatched in “Green Eggs and Ham,” he charmed us all. This month I celebrate his genius and his memory. 

The restaurant down by the Lincoln Park Zoo

Was run not by Levy or Melman or Foo,
But by an entrepreneurial Sioux:
An Indian chief named Everything New.
 
“I do not like things old and rusted,
Or plates and glasses chipped and busted,
Or napkins soiled with food encrusted,
Or unkempt booths help should have dusted.”
 
The restaurant down by the Lincoln Park Zoo
Had elegant meals and a comfort-food stew
That guests could wash down with a microbrew
Or fine vintage wines, just one glass or two.
 
“I want my stainless whistle clean,
So when my cooks do mis en place,
No crumb of food falls in between
The butcher block and counter’s gloss.”
 
The restaurant down by the Lincoln Park Zoo
With its very tall windows—more than a few—
Afforded all guests a spectacular view
Of flora and fauna, and the house cockatoo.
 
“My waiters are deodorized
In costumes uniformly sized;
With socks lint-free, elasticized
And hairstyles slick and stylized.”
 
The restaurant down by the Lincoln Park Zoo
Had crystal, real silver, plates red, white, and blue,
And a glorious Pianola that played just for you
Songs for digestion with beats to chew to.
 
“I make my help clock in à l’heure
Without sweat stain around colleure
For every stain I dock dolleure
To make them feel a lot smalleure.”
 
The restaurant down by the Lincoln Park Zoo
Had lip-smacking chicken and pork barbecue,
And side dishes, salads, and apple pie, too,
Everything nice, but a how-do-you-do.
 
“I rule this roost with an iron fist:
Disobedient help goes on my list
Of miscreants who have not kissed
My ring or worse. You get my gist?
 
“And if I might, here’s some more
Evidence there’s more in store:
If they persist to ignore their chore
My toady here shows them the door.”
 
One day something happened with nary a clue
At the restaurant owned by Everything New:
The profits—they shrank, where once they grew
At the restaurant owned by Everything New.
Guests counts trickled down; New didn’t know who
To blame for events near the Lincoln Park Zoo
At the restaurant owned by Everything New.

Postage stamp: Neftali/Shutterstock.com
 
  

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