February 1993: Bid U.S.A.: America, Brought to You by Taco Bell

 

The attendant hoopla surrounding the Elvis stamp got me to thinking. The United States Postal Service, of which we are all so fond, finds itself with the Elvis Presley stamp—15 years after the singer’s death—immersed in an enterprise far removed from its charge which was, the last time I checked, to sell stamps and deliver mail. Not anymore. Seems to me USPS, in exploiting a cult and peddling it, is in the ad biz. I like that. What I don’t like is what it did about it. Which was nothing.

Face it: Presley today is hotter than ever. CDs reappear on the charts, demands for videotapes of his film oeuvre are so great stores can’t keep up. TV stations air Elvis film festivals. Everybody’s cashing in on the Elvis Stamp Act. Not so, USPS.

If you were USPS, wouldn’t you have approached everybody who and every company that owns the rights to everything Elvis and advised all of them that you were thinking about releasing this Elvis stamp thing; and that in releasing it you were certain there would be a resurgence of Elvis-mania accompanied by an upsurge of interest in all things Presleyan; and that you’d expect a cut of the action? Otherwise, sorry: no stamp. Wouldn’t that have done wonders for your bottom-line, especially one swimming in red ink (at 29 cents a pop, I can’t imagine sales of Presley stamps making much of a dent in USPS’s debt)? And wouldn’t that have opened a lot of doors to companies that might be interested in cutting stamp deals a la Elvis? I have an idea: how about a Big Mac stamp that when licked tastes of a sauce remoulade? But, I digress.

As I said, the Elvis stamp thing got me to thinking.

A sign near Times Square, New York, upticks the Federal deficit (or debt, take your choice) while simultaneously upticking everyone’s share. It’s around $4 trillion, give or take several billions; and my share and yours is, I believe, about 50 grand, give or take a thousand.


Here’s my plan on how to cut the deficit. It’s called, “Bid U.S.A.” Think naming rights for a football stadium.

I’m not at all sure why Government, USPS included, refuses to sell the naming rights to its products, agencies, politicians, cabinet members, buildings and services to the highest bidder. Neither can I fathom why presidents refuse to endorse branded products. Wouldn’t that help cut the deficit? What’s the big deal? Are politicians so immune to influences that they would otherwise soil their integrity promoting a product? Of course. How many lobbyists can dance on the head of a congressperson?

What’s the difference between FDR backing Walter Reuther and Ronald Reagan, when he was an actor, telling everybody that “Chesterfields satisfy?” How come President Bush never told us what brand of pork rinds he eats? Wouldn’t you like to know that? Wouldn’t the manufacturer of the pork rinds willingly pay megabucks for the privilege of telling the world “President Bush eats our pork rinds.”?

I propose bigger fish; and you watched them swim here first. “Bid U.S.A.” makes sense and I want our Government to promote it so that all of us can benefit from it and, in doing so, watch the deficit dwindle.

Here’s how it works. The Government affixes a minimum pricetag to every product and business it uses and on every person who works for it, the price in proportion to the size and use of the product (local or global); and the familiarity, recognition, power and influence of the person. A cabinet appointment, for example, would be worth more than, say, a diplomatic post, but worth a lot less than a Supreme Court decision.

Cabinet appointments. They’re worth a minimum of $20 million to whatever company bids first on it. Example: soon after President Clinton appoints a cabinet member—let’s say, for the sake of argument, it happens to be Henry Cisneros, the new HUD (Dept. of Housing and Urban Development) secretary. Government solicits bids, offering HUD and the Cisneros name to any company willing to start the bidding at $20 million. Realtor Coldwell Banker leaps at the chance, nails the bid, outbidding Taco Bell (Cisneros is Mexican, so why shouldn’t Taco Bell take a shot?). Suddenly, Cisneros is no longer just plain old Secretary of HUD, he’s Coldwell Banker Secretary of HUD. Every time HUD or Cisneros is mentioned anywhere in any medium, Coldwell Banker gets a plug and the free ride to sell some homes. I don’t know how much money Coldwell Banker spends on marketing, advertising and assorted other manner of promotion, but the HUD endorsement strikes me as a no-brainer. Now, multiply that with every cabinet post. Make any sense? Deficit begins to dwindle.

National holidays? Why not? Easter becomes . . . well, how about Long John Silver’s Easter?  Independence Day becomes DiRoNA Independence Day. Columbus Day? If I were Olive Garden, I’d bite. And so on and so on.

How about naming rights to The White House? Think about it. The Library of Congress? The Pentagon? I've got recommendations.

Who wants to support the War on Drugs? $40 million buys you that privilege. A NASA space launch? What’s more American than that? Offered to a political party during a presidential race? A steal at $100 million. Its candidate’s name on the side of the shuttle? An extra $400 million.

The START treaty? Not cheap: $1 billion. Pricey, but worth it. Think of the global implications.

Imagine: Let’s say you’re Wendy’s and it’s December 1991 and the Pentagon has just informed you, at $250 million or so, you’re the high bidder for Operation Desert Shield. Furthermore—get this—if Desert Shield escalates, you own the right of first refusal to Operation Desert Storm. Think of it: Rather, Brokaw, and Jennings—not to mention Powell and Chaney—all talking about Wendy’s Desert Storm.

What about tanks rumbling across the desert on their way to Kuwait? Do they really need an American flag or a star painted on the sides of their turrets to let the world know they’re American? How dumb is that? How about selling that space to Hostess Brands, but only if it promises to replace heraldic devices with giant pictures of Twinkies.

Consider the deficit. Consider the possibilities.

Elvis, Lefteris Papaulakis/Shutterstock.com; Coldwell Banker, Gil C.Shutterstock.com, Debt, Razihusin

Return to Table of Contents ...